Faith is Believing With Effort

There are so many thoughts running through my head today. Well it started yesterday. I woke up in a funk. Can't really explain it. I'm sure most of you know what I mean. I just wasn't happy but I wasn't sad? Or was I? I hate complicated feelings. I actually had a great day. I went on a lunch date with my Grandma and then to an antique store. It was so fun for me. I love old items, and I'm currently on the hunt for the perfect, timeless hutch to store all my pretty blue dishes that were given to me. Anyways-I'm getting sidetracked.

I get home and I'm just immediately hit with that wave of funk again. Heavy heart, and clouded mind. I really hate that feeling. My emotions are on the surface again and I could cry any second. I try to still mother my children with love and kindness, but that is hard to do when I feel like this and when there is a two year old. I feel down because I haven't been responding nicely to anyone, let alone my crazy toddler who has a mind of his own. (did I mention he took my memory card and lost it? I can't remember if I took all the picture's off either. So so sad.)

I feel upset because of the trials we have to face, but we can't be vocal about them, or shouldn't, I guess. I try to leave really personal things off of here, but it's hard when I just want to vent to a screen that wont talk to me back. (my hand cramps up when I write too much) Needless to say I am so grateful for an awesome ward and leaders, which explains the reason I feel upset? I don't love the fact we have to move every summer and I don't really understand how other people in the company like it. It's hard making friends and then leaving. I don't feel like I can build good solid relationships. I think that's something I need, and I'm searching for often. I am craving a good friend. (sound desperate much??) I skipped the whole college thing and didn't make an effort in high school, but it's fine. I have a pretty great husband who I am best friends with. We also have family moving back and I can't even begin to think of how much I will miss them, and how much my kids will miss them! The trials we face help us grow closer to each other and our master, if we let them. It's hard to let them shape us though--sometimes I really just don't want them to. Today Elder Packer said that "married couples are tried by temptations...but their love grows stronger..." (or something along those lines)

We have been studying a lot of great lessons and talks in my class. Even if I don't continue taking this class in the future I have a lot of great nuggets of truth that I have learned. I need constant learning experiences to help me along the way. I have been taking institute this year and love it. I have so much to learn and it is so overwhelming but I have come so far already. This year we have talked a lot about pride. That's something that I have struggled with for as along as I can remember. It can come between a marriage so fast let me tell you... along with other relationships too. I often feel spiritually entitled to things as well. It's like I'm trapped in this cage of pride and just cannot get out for the life of me. No matter how hard I try...I feel that I am always stuck. That's what Satan wants me to think and honestly sometimes I have let him win..for a moment. Why is it so hard to do the easy things sometimes? I know what it takes to become humble, meek and like a little child, but why in the world am I not doing them? I feel frustrated that the summers are so demanding and attending the temple takes so much effort. Sometimes they are far and I feel bad for asking other wives to watch my kids. So frustrating. Not going to the temple for 5 months? Yah that will ruin you for a good minute. (by you...I mean me)

This summer I will have to have a lot of faith. Faith is believing with effort, and I am going to have to use a lot of effort. General Conference has been so great so far. So many wonderful quotes and stories shared. The leaders really emphasized on families and marriage. Having children was talked about a lot and I recently had the opportunity to talk with a peer who is really struggling with that. My heart goes out to all those who have those perfect and righteous desires, but aren't able to have biological children, or be married at this time. The Lord has a plan, and it's a plan of happiness for everyone. My day was still cloudy at times and frustrating, but I'm grateful I have the knowledge that I need to repent and become humble. Looking forward to a new day, week, and more great talks!